MrsH
Registered: 03/13/08
Posts: 40
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Reply with quote | #1 |
I have to say, the list that Sheryl posted about the pre-pregnant intentions is one that I go back and check probably every 3 months or so. I've never been able to fully describe the reasons why we were waiting, so thanks Sheryl for putting it into words. 
Here is the list in case anyone missed it:
Quote: 1. It was time. She knew that, at long last, she was ready to become a mother. The “no” that she had received for years when she checked in around wanting to get pregnant had finally turned into a yes. 2. She felt stagnant in terms of spiritual growth and knew that becoming a mother was the necessary next step for her. 3. Her marriage was ready to sustain the pressures and joys of parenthood. She and her partner had had enough time together to solidify their bond and create a healthy container inside which to bear, birth, and raise a child. 4. She felt stable in most aspects of her life: emotionally, spiritually, financially. 5. She had lived enough of her own life where she would be able to accept the tremendous sacrifices of becoming a mother. She knew that she would sacrifice time, sleep, energy, solitude, and freedom but she was willing to do so for the joy of mothering a child.
In the past few months I've actually found myself able to scratch off every item except for #5. My husband and I went on vacation to Mexico in June and we were finally able to discuss having children without the emotionally charged pressure from families surrounding us. We decided -then- to wait another two years before trying. I was fine with this and so was DH.
But since being back, I find myself often wondering why we are waiting. It's like I know the reasons why (DH has two more semesters of grad school left and I have my sights set on a marathon next year) but I often have to remind myself of them. In the past month we've had three friends give birth and two (including my brother and SIL) announce they are pregnant. At my high school friend's baby shower, it dawned on me that half of us girls from my h.s. "group" have children. It's strange yet not strange at the same time.
So now my husband is on a baby kick and I can feel one way or the other, depending on the day (gee sounds like engagement). My latest thing as I mentioned previously is not being able to accept the sacrifices I will have to make in order to become a mother. I have a hard time with the thought of giving up my body for 9 months (and after birth, even). I have a hard time thinking about not being able to operate on my schedule. I try talking to my husband about this and he doesn't really seem to get it. It's like people just expect you to automatically be ok with how your life is going to change... my MIL thinks that I won't care about not having time to myself anymore. My husband thinks that I will be supermom and be able to work full time, take care of a baby AND and train for a marathon at the same time (I mean, thanks for the vote of confidence, but let's be realistic!!)
I just wish I could talk to people about recognizing the losses that will take place. Every time I bring up being afraid of not being able to do certain things (travel, go out whenever we want, dedicate 1-2 hours a few times a week to running, etc) my husband takes it as not wanting to have a baby. That's not it at ALL. I desperately want kids. It's just I have to find a way to deal with the sacrifices and losses. It's like nobody wants to talk about this side of having a baby!
Anyone else feel this way? Have these fears? Moms - been through it and have any advice?
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ThinkBee
Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 6
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Reply with quote | #2 |
With no disrespect to Sheryl of course, I think lists like this are a little dangerous for people with perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive tendencies 
I don't really think having a child is supposed to be so perfectly planned. It's just something humans do, one of the most basic biological and psychological instincts and desires. Before effective birth control existed, these prepregnant intentions would have been incomprehensible to people. Much of the time, people have children when they do not feel ready, when the timing is terrible, or when they are unmarried or in a marriage that does not work out. Are these children mistakes? Of course not, new life is always a blessing, and as a mother you will always find a way to make it work. And it will be the most challenging thing you ever do, regardless of how many items you can scratch off on a readiness list beforehand.
Yes, it would be ideal to feel highly prepared and confident about your decision to have a baby, but I don't think that is realistic for some people, maybe even most people. How would you even know if you have lived "enough" of your life to accept the sacrifices of having a child? What is enough? I wouldn't know. We're lucky we even have the choice as to have a child or not, many people did not and do not have this choice...or maybe we're unlucky, because "too much choice brings no real freedom" as the Dalai Lama says.
I fully expect to be scared out of my mind when I get pregnant or decide to be. It is what it is for me. I go back and forth big time now, so I suppose I'm lucky my husband is set on the 2-year time frame and is certain he doesn't want kids now, it takes the pressure of the decision off me for the time being. Right now I'm at a crossroads because I've been thinking a lot about grad school, and it's really going to come down to school or babies for me, which do I want more within the next few years. Lately I've been leaning towards babies since I can always put off school but I won't be of ideal fertile age forever. It's tough though. I want it all, but it's just not possible for me, I know I can't handle that much at once. I think when we're young we think we can have it all but as life progresses that proves to be more and more unrealistic, and I don't mean that in a pessimistic, disillusioned way. It's simply life....but life is also filled with goodness, whichever path you take.
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letsbehappy
Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 13
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Hi there!
I completely understand all of your feelings and continue to feel anxious and question as I approach my last few weeks of pregnancy! Our baby is due October 10 and I have yet to feel that sheer bliss and excitement that so many people keep asking me about.
I don't feel at all confident about having a baby. It's as if right now I am almost numb to it. I hate to say this, but I constantly question if we made the right decision to have a baby. I know that in time strength will come, but even with all of my emotional and spiritual preparation I feel very weak.
I am scared for what the future holds, but feel grounded and happy in my strong marriage and know that we can't be perfect as parents, but if we continue to help each other, we will do the best for child and family.
I hate the pressure that others make you feel. I felt it constantly before being pregnant and now that I am it's as if everyone is testing me to really make sure I am capable of having a child. Most of my friends had babies years ago and they, coupled with my mom and others in my family seem to constantly be "watching" me to sense my every move and see if I possess the motherly gene- will I run for every baby, do I want to change my niece, do I want to feed the kids, do I want to soothe the crying baby. Basically, it seems as if nobody trusts me because I do not possess the typical giddy, constant excitement/glow that many women have when they are pregnant. I haven't read tons and tons of literature about being pregnant (it overwhelms me), my baby room is still a jumble of new baby things and my husband's wardrobe/office, I haven't eaten perfectly (I was in shock at EVERYTHING some books tell you to avoid!), and while I would never put myself or baby in harms way, I have continued living and enjoying things that I always have without talking about being pregnant. I have discussed this extensively with my husband because he seems to be the only person I can turn to.
I know I sound extremely negative and I certainly don't mean it to make you feel like you should never get pregnant. Just know yourself. Allow others to give their "advice", but respect your decisions and remember that they will be your choices in the end. You can do whatever works best for you and your family when you are pregnant and when your baby arrives. (On the marathon front, Paula Radcliffe won the NYC marathon just 8 months after having her baby! Dara Torres won Olympic gold in swimming two years after and Kim Clijsters won the US Open in tennis! Of course they are professionals, but...... )
I fully expect and know my own running, schedules, work, family and social life will change. As we know, transitions are so hard. We also are expecting the difficulties and with that I think the positives will become so much more joyful. You will not be incapacitated as a woman or mother. Remember life can't always perfectly planned.
You will be fine whatever course you take because you are truly conscientious! If you are feeling guilt for waiting, try to realize all the positive things you are accomplishing. I worried incessently about waiting to have kids. Not because I wasn't sure that's what I wanted, but because everyone kept asking me. Feel confident in waiting if that's what you talked about earlier, especially if you are feeling the pressure from others.
As far as I can tell, I am handling the worries, unknowns and stresses of pregnancy MUCH better than my engagement. (I am sure you wouldn't think that given my post, but I am!) I think that because of what I went through before marriage and I am understanding and accepting my feelings a bit more without the constant incapacitating anxiety that accompanied my engagement. I have the feeling you will be the same.
LMC
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Oct06bride
Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 3
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Reply with quote | #4 |
As always, it is good to know others are in the same boat. I just left a party with a lot of my friends who are pregnant or about to be. I'm nearly 30 and still can't go two days in a row thinking I am ready to have a baby. One day I love the idea, the next I'm terrified by it. I know I am still fairly young, but I remember dreaming about being a mom when I was in high school. I have always wanted kids and wanted a family and now that it is so close, I can't seem to get comfortable with the idea.
I feel the added pressure that so many of my friends have had babies, many of who are younger than me. Plus my husband is older and while he is not adding any pressure at all, I know he would definitely like to start trying. I just don't know if I will ever be comfortable with the idea. ThinkBee, I guess you are right that maybe we are not supposed to be?
The main reason I visited this board tonight is I noticed myself having slight interest in someone other than my husband tonight. This was so concerning to me because I have never felt this way (except during the engagement when I was doubting everything). I am just hoping this feeling of anxiety about having a baby doesn't take over and make my head spin and doubt and question everything like it did when we were engaged. I don't know if I can handle that again.
But LBH, I'm glad to hear your anxiety has been a little easier with being pregnant, than with getting married! That gives me hope. And good luck with motherhood!
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FrankBaseball
Registered: 10/02/09
Posts: 13
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Reply with quote | #5 |
Hi all,
just wanted to say that, I have a six month old, and If you wait to have kids when you are ready, you will never have kids. Because most people are not ready when they have kids. Unless you have experienced it before, nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for parenthood. You just make the decision to do it and do it.
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MrsH
Registered: 03/13/08
Posts: 40
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Reply with quote | #6 |
Oct06Bride, if it's any consolation, I am usually feeling the same way about kids as well (except for me it's only a weekly basis...one week I'm SO READY, the next week I'm terrified at the thought!) I agree with ThinkBee... we may never be totally comfortable with the idea. Heck I was not confident at all during engagement and everything has turned out to be just fine in terms of marriage. I do feel that having a baby will be much of the same way. And I will say that sharing my fears with my husband has helped a lot because I'm finding he feels the same way, too... he's not so much afraid, but does consider how our lives will change. Sometimes it takes me telling him how our lives will change in order for him to realize it, but he does acknowledge it and I think more and more, he's understanding where I'm coming from. Of course right now I'm on a "let's have a baby" cycle and he's in the "let's not have a baby" cycle. One of these days we'll be on the same page at the same time.
I guess I like the "pre pregnant intentions" list because I've felt that way before I read the list... like when we first got married, I knew we weren't ready for kids and it was for several reasons. It just kind of puts into words everything I've felt over the past few years, and I find it comforting to see that a lot of women seem to go through that same sort of "check list". While I think in the past I may have felt like I had to check everything off of a list before moving forward, now I feel like if it doesn't happen, then that's ok. 
I wanted to hop on here and ask you ladies a question or perhaps Sheryl for her input. Personally I don't tend to put a lot of stock into dreams, especially since my dreams were so crazy during engagement. I was so hopped up on anxiety, how could they not be! And I still don't tend to put a whole lot of stock in them, but lately I have noticed that I seem to be dreaming about death a lot. It's never my own, but always people I love (my mom, dad, husband and even last night, my beloved cat!) and they are very disturbing. The dreams are always more so about the grief involved rather than the death itself. I mean in my dreams the grief is almost unbearable. I've read that death dreams can signify the end of a phase and so I'm wondering if it has a connection to the transition of being ready for motherhood. I could just be reading into things, though.
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