Oct06bride
Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 3
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Reply with quote | #1 |
Hello,
It has been a while since I have visited the Conscious Brides site, which is usually a good thing for me - I tend to only log on when I am having anxiety. So I was encouraged to find this site and see some old names. I had a hard time before our wedding and have had a few periods in our marriage sense where I am struggling with my feelings. My husband is wonderful and my best friend, but I can't help but have these doubts that I am not with the person I am meant to be with. Believe me, there are no issues with him - he is so loving and caring. But I have been focusing on his flaws, which are materialistic for the most part.
It makes me wonder if this sudden return of anxiety is related to taking the next step and starting a family. I have always wanted kids, but now I am terrified of making another irreversible decision. Would I feel this way if I was married to anyone else? Why do I feel like everyone around me is happy? How can I just be happy again (there have been periods before and following our wedding). Will my doubts ever be put to rest? What I want most in life is a happy family and now that it is within reach, I can't seem to want it. We have been married 2 1/2 years and everyone around us seems to have no problem taking the next step. I'm 29 and don't want to be much older than 30 when I have kids, but this fear of a broken family is haunting me.
Is anyone else experiencing this or had a relapse to the feelings you had when you were engaged? I would love to hear from you. Any advice would be appreciated. |
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ThinkBee
Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 6
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Reply with quote | #2 |
Hi Oct06bride. I can only say I have been feeling a lot of the same thing as I think about that next step, so you are definitely not alone. It scares me because I only got married a little over a year ago and had been doing so well until I bought a home and started thinking about kids. For me it is also materialistic flaws that I focus on, certain things about the way he looks or how attracted I am to him or how in love I feel with him at any given time, or sometimes I catch myself analyzing our conversations as they are occurring to determine whether they are good enough (whatever that means). When I have tried to figure out what our "real" problems are, I can't find any.
I honestly do not think it does any good to analyze those thoughts, though. You just have to tell yourself that you made a decision, and that is that. You have already made your choice about who you are spending your life with and having a family with, and it's a great choice. You know that because you already went through this analyzing and doubting while you were engaged and you reached a conclusion. So don't torture yourself by giving any more meaning to the thoughts. They are just like super bouncy balls bouncing around in your head 
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MrsH
Registered: 03/13/08
Posts: 40
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Hi there, Oct06Bride (I'm ChristmasBride from the CW board ). Sorry you are still feeling these things on occasion in your marriage. Personally I feel it is normal to go through periods like this - I know I do at times. Hey just the other day I was thinking "are we connecting enough?" but I have learned to accept even negative feelings and carry them with me... they are nothing to be scared of and once you stop placing importance on them, the sooner things return to normal.
I can definitely relate to the "wanting" factor of having a family. At times I struggle with the feelings of "want," but then I get around a baby or see a newborn and the feelings of desire do tend to overwhelm me. But let's be real, there is definitely some fear there! I know I definitely went through some old engagement fears when the question of when we would have kids started to seriously come up during conversation. I guess my position is not so much wondering if I'm with the right guy, but worrying about how it will change our marriage. I find myself wondering in what ways their marriages change. It is hard for me to fathom having someone besides my husband as a top priority in my life. And I worry about how it will change other relationships as well (like with my mom and dad). I too struggle a lot with perceiving that other people seem to have no problem with moving on to having kids, and I feel like I'm stuck in neutral.
I am coming to terms with the rollercoaster of it all, and knowing that, like marriage, at some point I'll just need to hold my breath and hang on for the wild ride. But it's a big decision, and one that is not reversible. It amazes me how some folks (like my in laws) talk about the decision to have kids is as easy as deciding to get a dog. It's not. It's huge in my mind. It's not like, oh hey, I loved this really cute puppy so I decided to get it, now I'll love it and cherish it forever! But in my perception, it seems like others have that easy of a time deciding when to have kids.
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Oct06bride
Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 3
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Reply with quote | #4 |
ThinkBee and Christmas Bride (that is how I will always know you  ),
Thank you so much for your posts! It is so comforting to hear similar accounts and feelings from others. I guess that is so hard about being this way - it's not something you can really talk about and talk to others about. So I really appreciate your advice - it helps so much. Think Bee, what you wrote could have been written by me, crazy similarities! But I love what you said about the bouncy balls. That is so true. I just need to stop them or at least slow them down!
Since my post, the past couple days have been easier and I am taking each day at a time. We are planning a trip to Europe this summer as a "pre-baby" get away, so we will see what happens upon the return... I'll keep you posted and please do the same.
Thanks again!
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AussieJo
Registered: 03/13/08
Posts: 116
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Reply with quote | #5 |
I think in the period of our marriage before I became pregnant I did have these feelings now and again. I did find during pregnancy though we became more connected and my husband really stepped up to the plate with his support and concern for me and the baby.
I must say during labout, I thanked heaven and earth that I married my husband and I was the girl with anxiety during our engagement. There was something about him during that time that made me want to slap myself in the face for all the questioning. He was so amazing. I think during the challenging moments you can see the strength in your partner.
Change is one of those things where we start to question everything. Its definitely normal to question things again.
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