CONSCIOUS MOTHERHOOD MESSAGE BOARD

Prepregnancy list

babyofsix — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:15:15 GMT

Hi everyone...

I've had babies on my mind a lot the past couple weeks, and thought I'd revisit this site and look at some of Sheryl's articles. I know MrsH posted about this not too long ago, but I just looked at the Prepregnant Intentions list, which I will post below. I'd love some insight to the areas I'm having some conflict with, if you all have the time. Here's the list:

1. It was time. She knew that, at long last, she was ready to become a mother. The no that she had received for years when she checked in around wanting to get pregnant had finally turned into a yes.

2. She felt stagnant in terms of spiritual growth and knew that becoming a mother was the necessary next step for her.

3. Her marriage was ready to sustain the pressures and joys of parenthood. She and her partner had had enough time together to solidify their bond and create a healthy container inside which to bear, birth, and raise a child.

4. She felt stable in most aspects of her life: emotionally, spiritually, financially.

5. She had lived enough of her own life where she would be able to accept the tremendous sacrifices of becoming a mother. She knew that she would sacrifice time, sleep, energy, solitude, and freedom but she was willing to do so for the joy of mothering a child.

The ones I'm finding myself struggling with from this list are #1 and #5. I'm not to a "solid" yes yet, but I know in the grand scheme of things, I may not need to be 100% yes (and, knowing myself, I don't think I ever will be 100% "ready" for a baby). Every so often, the "no" isn't quite as panic-ridden and a "yes" peeks through. Then, in the next minute, the "no" comes back. So that part isn't quite there yet.

#5 is what's getting me today. I've found myself asking myself if I feel I can truly give enough of myself to my child. I know this may just be something that happens when the time comes... kind of like just jumping into marriage with both feet, no looking back. But I worry that I will resent my child for taking so much of my free time.

The other conflicts I'm having are kind of what I'd expect... how will it change my marriage, will we fight, will it drive us apart, what if the kids like Daddy more than me. But I do have one other big one that may be specific to me.

I have a HUGE fear of what it feels like after you die, with the biggest component of that being that I will just cease to exist, end of story, no more me, period. Most of my other fears, I can rationalize or ask others for their experiences, which eases my anxiety some. This one, I have nothing to go on but a bunch of guesses, religious beliefs, and scientific research. I know I can do things to prevent death from happening to an extent, but that doesn't help because I also know from experience that death can happen at any time to anyone. In my mind, growing up means getting closer to death which means getting closer to possibly just ceasing to exist.

I know religion and spiritual studies help some with this, and sometimes I can rely on faith. But, I think what gets me is there is no solid answer and no way for anyone to tell me for sure (although, I'd LOVE one of those dreams where a relative comes to me and lets me know just how it is).

Because of this big fear of mine, anything that puts me closer to a "grown up" terrifies me (hence my pre-wedding anxiety). Marriage was pretty grown up. Buying a house, I'm sure, will cause some of this. But the thought of having a baby is making this run wild again. DH and I have been married almost 2 1/2 years and, life wise, aren't quite to the point of consciously trying to have a baby yet (thankfully). I feel like we've gotten our marriage to a good place. Finances are OK, but there will always be debt for a little while longer (his student loans just started repayment, we'll get a house eventually, new cars, etc.). And aside from this fear that I can't seem to rationalize, I feel more stable and accepting of my instabilities than I have for most of my life.

I don't know what I'm looking for in terms of input... maybe just some people that might get how a big fear could confuse me to think, "Do I really want kids or is it just what I think I SHOULD do?" It doesn't help that cousins who got married around the time I did are all getting pregnant and everyone seems so happy about it. A cousin close to my age who got married after me just found out his wife is expecting. When my mom called to tell me, I think she wanted me to get really excited, but it's what caused this newest mind scramble (just got the call last night), thinking, "Great, now it's probably going to be my turn."

OK, enough rambling. Thanks if you made it this far.

Parenthood

AussieJo — Thur, 19 Nov 2009 06:00:57 GMT

So, I'm keen to know - what do you love about parenthood? And what are the challenges for you? I'll post mine as soon as I rescue Liam from shredding another roll of toilet paper?

What happened to the site?

FrankBaseball — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:20:57 GMT

How come no one posts here? it seems like such a great site to share experiences with.hope everyone is doing well.

So Excited!

MT — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:08:12 GMT

After two miscarriages and failed Infertility treatments ( that were not even necessary as per my OB, just needed some time) I am 21 weeks pregnant, due March 2nd. We are so blessed and could not be happier!!

Greetings!

Nenya14 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:02:40 GMT

Hi Ladies!

Some of you may remember me from the CW board...wow how that board got me through a rough time in my life and what wonderful wise friends I made! Just a little update:

Hubs and I have been married 3 years this month and life is great. I'm in my 2nd (and last) year of my graduate program to become a licensed therapist and also have a full time internship working with female survivors of sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, nd domestic violence. It's an intense job to say the least but I love it. After moving to Florida a little over 2 years ago it's starting to finally click--we've made a bunch of good friends and have more or less adjusted to the total culture shock after being northeasterners our whole life. It feels like we have had one huge change after another...starting with marriage, then moving 1000 miles away and leaving my 7 year business career to go back and pursue something completely different, and now we are facing the biggest transition of all, becoming parents! No--we aren't pregnant yet, but we have tentatively begun trying!! I say tentative because it wouldn't be ideal timing right now what with me in a very stressful place school and work wise, but yet at the same time if it happened, we would be thrilled. I've had my "pre-conception" appt with my GYN a couple weeks ago and still have to get some blood work done. I feel like I've been living like a pregnant woman already, taking prenatal vitamins, fish oil, drinking much less, doing yoga more, eating organic and more veg centered and I love it. We will officially start trying in a couple months when we go on vacation since God knows my sex drive needs a boost and relaxation would certainly help that!

Obviously I have no idea how I will feel once I get pregnant, or how I will feel if we struggle with fertility issues, but at this point, I have never been more "ready". That statement "you just know" with marriage always gave me major heebie jeebies, but for me with motherhood, I do "just know". Of course, I totally anticipate having anxiety, perhaps huge, at times once I am pregnant--it's enormously life changing. I think I just have a lot more confidence at this point in my life (I'm 30 now and feel the most secure in myself I have ever felt) that I can handle changes. I've already handled some huge changes and came out okay---which makes me so grateful for those stressful changes because they were great practice for THIS change!

Anyhow--I really just wanted to check in here since I saw a lot of familiar names and wanted to throw my hat in the ring!

Dads?

FrankBaseball — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:15:13 GMT

Hi, just wondering is there any resources or advice on this site for fathers or is it simply for Mom's? As a side note, I used to go on the conscious weddings site a lot when I was engaged, and it was a great help.

Thanks.

hello

annaisbananas — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:57:45 GMT

Hi ladies,
Some of you might remember me, my name is Anna and I was Luckyday3A on Conscious Weddings, I was married December of 2007.

Hope everyone is doing well, I come on this board once in awhile just to see how you are all doing. I still talk to Amber, see Anna H. on Facebook every now and then, and Leisha and Babyofsix were also some of my CW buddies. I remember Aussie Joe too! So good to see most of you still posting.

Anyways, my husband and I have reached the point where we want to start trying to conceive. I am seeing my doctor on Friday to let her know, and to see if there is anything specific I need to be doing.

My main concern is that I only have my period about 3-4 times a year. I work out a lot, and am pretty sure that is why. I am just worried how long it is going to take me to get pregnant. We were originally going to start trying this winter, but I thought we might as well start now since it might take so long.

Again, I am seeing my dr. on friday so I am sure she will have lots to tell me, but just wanted to share the news and to see if you had any input.

Thanks girls!

Pre-pregnant Intentions List

MrsH — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:33:38 GMT

I have to say, the list that Sheryl posted about the pre-pregnant intentions is one that I go back and check probably every 3 months or so. I've never been able to fully describe the reasons why we were waiting, so thanks Sheryl for putting it into words.

Here is the list in case anyone missed it:

Quote:

1. It was time. She knew that, at long last, she was ready to become a mother. The no that she had received for years when she checked in around wanting to get pregnant had finally turned into a yes.

2. She felt stagnant in terms of spiritual growth and knew that becoming a mother was the necessary next step for her.

3. Her marriage was ready to sustain the pressures and joys of parenthood. She and her partner had had enough time together to solidify their bond and create a healthy container inside which to bear, birth, and raise a child.

4. She felt stable in most aspects of her life: emotionally, spiritually, financially.

5. She had lived enough of her own life where she would be able to accept the tremendous sacrifices of becoming a mother. She knew that she would sacrifice time, sleep, energy, solitude, and freedom but she was willing to do so for the joy of mothering a child.

In the past few months I've actually found myself able to scratch off every item except for #5. My husband and I went on vacation to Mexico in June and we were finally able to discuss having children without the emotionally charged pressure from families surrounding us. We decided -then- to wait another two years before trying. I was fine with this and so was DH.

But since being back, I find myself often wondering why we are waiting. It's like I know the reasons why (DH has two more semesters of grad school left and I have my sights set on a marathon next year) but I often have to remind myself of them. In the past month we've had three friends give birth and two (including my brother and SIL) announce they are pregnant. At my high school friend's baby shower, it dawned on me that half of us girls from my h.s. "group" have children. It's strange yet not strange at the same time.

So now my husband is on a baby kick and I can feel one way or the other, depending on the day (gee sounds like engagement). My latest thing as I mentioned previously is not being able to accept the sacrifices I will have to make in order to become a mother. I have a hard time with the thought of giving up my body for 9 months (and after birth, even). I have a hard time thinking about not being able to operate on my schedule. I try talking to my husband about this and he doesn't really seem to get it. It's like people just expect you to automatically be ok with how your life is going to change... my MIL thinks that I won't care about not having time to myself anymore. My husband thinks that I will be supermom and be able to work full time, take care of a baby AND and train for a marathon at the same time (I mean, thanks for the vote of confidence, but let's be realistic!!)

I just wish I could talk to people about recognizing the losses that will take place. Every time I bring up being afraid of not being able to do certain things (travel, go out whenever we want, dedicate 1-2 hours a few times a week to running, etc) my husband takes it as not wanting to have a baby. That's not it at ALL. I desperately want kids. It's just I have to find a way to deal with the sacrifices and losses. It's like nobody wants to talk about this side of having a baby!

Anyone else feel this way? Have these fears? Moms - been through it and have any advice?

New Book ?

SAM5 — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:36:35 GMT

Dear all,
I read the boards with interest, but have never written before.
I was wondering if anyone has yet read Sheryl Paul's
book on Conscious Motherhood ? I have not found it
on Amazon.
Thanks.
SAM5

How is everyone?

AussieJo — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:55:28 GMT

I haven't been on the board for a while, so I just wanted to pop in and say 'hi'.

Things have been a bit tough for me recently. From probably about May onwards there has been this feeling that something wasn't quite right. I've been to my doctor and am now on a small dose of anti-depressants and am going to see a psychologist tomorrow for my first appointment.

I feel like a failure. I cope with Liam absolutely fine, he's a great baby. What I wasn't prepared for was all the changes within myself and the constant questioning I am doing to the point of me getting really quite down about it. I'm hoping I can get to the root of the problem, because its like what I experienced when I got engaged, all these questions of 'am I doing the right thing?' 'did I make the right decision to have a baby and get married?'. I hate myself for thinking that way.

We've had a tough year. We've had financial pressures, my inlaws came to stay for 7 weeks when Liam was 3 months old, then they went home and decided that their marriage was kaput but they refuse to do anything about it and then it was left to me to get them to talk again. I feel lonely and quite isolated, despite meeting some new mums this year. Some days I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and here I am, with everything that I have ever wanted.

Liam continues to amaze me and I love him with such a ferocity but somedays I look at him and cry. Why?

I'm hoping I can get to the bottom of it all.

Sending everyone my love xx

I am officially pregnant!

soontobe — Thur, 13 Aug 2009 23:22:33 GMT

Hi Ladies,

I am officially 4 weeks pregnant and still can't believe it! I was so happy when I found out and now I'm starting to feel a little scared...wondering about the what if's...gotta love those what if's. I had a difficult transition into marriage and now I couldn't imagine my life without my husband and wonder what I really worried about in the first place. Will being a mother be the same way? Am I only reacting to this transition?

Saying hi

babyofsix — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:03:58 GMT

I've peeked in here a few times recently and see the board is quiet these days. I hope all of you are doing well with your pregnancies, new babies, and lives in general.

Is anyone ever really ready?

soontobe — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:49:34 GMT

Hi everyone!

I'm not sure if some of you remember me but I was on the conscious wedding site under soontobeengaged. Well I have been happily married for a year and 1/2 and I can honestly say that marrying my husband was the best decision I have ever made!

The reason I stumbled upon this site is because my husband and I are thinking about starting a family. We both love kids and have always known that we wanted them but only really started seriously thinking about trying to have a baby after we had a false positive on a pregnancy test. The positive was a surprise and after we got over the shock we were really happy (nervous but happy). When the blood test came back negative I was shocked at my reaction. I was sad and depressed for days. I sat in bed crying and actually felt a sense of loss. My husband was also quite upset and this prompted us to seriously talk about trying to have a baby.

We have decided that we are going to try to conceive. It is the perfect time for us--we both have secure jobs, own a home, etc. and we feel ready ...as ready as you can be I guess!

The only problem is I can feel that anxiety creeping up...those what if's...What if I'm a bad mom? What if I'm not ready? I keep thinking this is a choice where there is no turning back...once you commit to having a baby that is it...you are having one...there is no backing out and I guess that finality scares the heck out of me!

I have never let fear stop me from anything in life and this will be no different...I guess my question is...if I was really ready would I feel this way? There is a huge difference in getting pregnant by accident and in purposely trying and I guess I am starting to feel the anxiety that goes along with the finality of the trying.

I never thought I would feel this scared when the time came to try for a baby...I thought I would only feel elation and I am happy and excited but also freaked out!

Any advice?

not again

Oct06bride — Wed, 27 May 2009 02:33:50 GMT

Hello,

It has been a while since I have visited the Conscious Brides site, which is usually a good thing for me - I tend to only log on when I am having anxiety. So I was encouraged to find this site and see some old names. I had a hard time before our wedding and have had a few periods in our marriage sense where I am struggling with my feelings. My husband is wonderful and my best friend, but I can't help but have these doubts that I am not with the person I am meant to be with. Believe me, there are no issues with him - he is so loving and caring. But I have been focusing on his flaws, which are materialistic for the most part.

It makes me wonder if this sudden return of anxiety is related to taking the next step and starting a family. I have always wanted kids, but now I am terrified of making another irreversible decision. Would I feel this way if I was married to anyone else? Why do I feel like everyone around me is happy? How can I just be happy again (there have been periods before and following our wedding). Will my doubts ever be put to rest? What I want most in life is a happy family and now that it is within reach, I can't seem to want it. We have been married 2 1/2 years and everyone around us seems to have no problem taking the next step. I'm 29 and don't want to be much older than 30 when I have kids, but this fear of a broken family is haunting me.

Is anyone else experiencing this or had a relapse to the feelings you had when you were engaged? I would love to hear from you. Any advice would be appreciated.

taking the next step...

tangomija — Thur, 14 May 2009 16:21:20 GMT

Hi everyone!
It's amazing to have used the conscious weddings site so much and now to "see many of the same faces" here!
I cannot believe how much the conscious weddings website helped me through that transition. This first year of marriage has had it's ups and downs, but I think knowing that I should expect that has helped me not catastrophize as much.
Anyway, I thought this might be a good place to get the thoughts out that all of you may relate to. It seems most people I know cannot relate.
It is so, so, so weird to me that in the last month or two, I have started to have the "oh my goodness, I think I'd like to be pregnant in the next year"feeling. This is in sharp contrast to my previous thoughts of "no way, not now, someday but not now" feeling. I wonder if this is because I just turned 30.
I decided to stop taking the pill this week, which was a leap of faith for me. It still feels really weird not to take it after 10 years--like my security blanket isn't there! I told my husband I stopped taking it, and now he keeps telling me "oh,
no! What if you're pregnant, oh no!" I know I am not, and that's not the problem. I actually think it might take awhile, because of my age, and because of taking the pill for so long. I was a little sad to hear my husband saying "oh, NO!" He's the one who I know is dying for children (even though he doesn't admit it directly) even more than I am. But I guess it's a catch 22, you want it, but you're also scared about it.
So anyway, I feel like he and I beat around the bush and don't talk directly about it because we are scared. I don't know how to bring it up. I feel like I'm pretty much ready, since it could take awhile anyway. He gets so figety and wierd every time I try to bring the topic up and says "if you're not sure what
to expect frpm stopping the pill, maybe talk to your friends?" AAAH! I don't want to talk to my friends, I want to talk to my husband!!
I feel similarly to what I felt during engagement...like I know deep down it's something I want, but it scares me so much and the "what if's" come in..like "what if I am not able to get pregnant after all this", "what if I have a baby with autism" (I work in special ed., so of course I freak out that my baby would have a million different disorders!)
Thanks everyone for being there.
Heidi